Hope

Photos are courtesy of Alayah Faith Photography, photographer Melissa Ennis. 

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to take back the life you have stolen.  For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great; you have NO power over me. The Labyrinth movie uses this quote in one of the ending scenes.  It seems fitting that one of my favorite shows has a quote (although slightly modified) that fits my second story.  You always felt powerful in the way you controlled me.   You used your words to make me feel small.  Did you know that words can leave scars as deep, if not deeper, than physical pain?  I will always carry the memories and the burdens you laid at my feet.  I wanted nothing more than to be your wife and the mother to our children.  You took that love, you twisted it, and you made it ugly.  You wanted me kept on a shelf for your enjoyment.  You were only happy when I gave you all of me.

I began to feel unworthy of being myself.  There were so many times I wanted to run away and never come back.  The love for my children kept me there.  You took away my right to be me.  I was nothing but an empty shell of my former self.  You made me feel I couldn’t be anything without you.  You made me feel undeserving of love.

I am no longer that girl.  I am a woman and I am strong where I stand.  I have deep compassion and I love easily and fall hard.  I am not perfect and neither are you.  I will make mistakes and I will own up to those mistakes; correcting them.  I live in the moment.  I have regrets and I have needs.  I don’t have to be right and neither do you.  I hurt.  I cry.  I break.  I bleed.  I suffer and I rage.  I am wise and I am silly.  I am childlike and also an adult.  I am timeless and yet short lived.  I feel love (do you?).  I get lost and then found.  I get tired and weak.  I can go both slow and fast.  I can bridge the gap (can you?).  I am a mother and I am a daughter.  I am a friend and I am a lover.  I will fight the fight and I will win.

I am a fighter.

I am beautiful and I am me.

I am all this and more.

The hardest thing I have ever done is break my children’s hearts.  Walking away from you broke them.  Looking back,  I should have left sooner.  It may have been easier all around.

I wish you the best in life.  I hope you learned from your mistakes.

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6 thoughts on “Hope

  1. This is beautiful. Keep up the amazing work. You are a beautiful, strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. In the time that i have known you, I have seen you change from a woman who was hardened by battle to a woman who is both strong and vulnerable at once, a perfect balance of the two. You are an amazing human being, and I am so proud to know you. Thank you for sharing this, my friend.

    • My friend Melissa did these pictures with me. On the way home from the beach I heard Fight Song for the first time. It fit everything in my life. It’s been a fight but I am a survivor.

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